General Conference Reflections and My Hope for an Answer

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram feeds are filling up with quotes and memes from easily recognizable men in suits and ties. This can only mean one thing: General Conference time has rolled around again. I am unsure of the outcome of this conference as it is the first conference since the LGBT policy came out. I have a friend who is a Mormon gay, and I worry for them and how they will feel this coming conference if any reference is made to the revelation claimed to have been received. In addition, this is the first conference since I started researching into the history of Joseph Smith, the Church, Joseph's seer stones, the book of Abraham, the Kinderhook Plates and even the Old Testament. I am, frankly, terrified that the research that I have conducted will tint my glasses an even deeper shade of rose. Enough so that I cannot see through my bias to the good things that are being taught. This has already occurred during the women's conference last Saturday.

I am at the point where I am seriously doubting the validity of the "restored" Church. I am doubting the validity of the Church's leadership and structure. How could God allow so many prophets to lead the Church astray from the teachings of His Son? Brigham Young was, indeed, a nasty surprise. I have not even scratched the surface into any other modern prophets, yet the few things that I did find were especially horrific to me. Because of this, I am uncertain of whether I want to sustain these men to be the leaders of our Church. It doesn't help that I am watching conference tomorrow with a group of people who are clueless to my struggles. Do I keep up with appearances knowing that I may be lying to myself, or do I excuse myself while the sustaining commences?

Regardless of my doubts, I have approached this weekend with a spirit of prayer and fasting. I have a few questions in mind that I hope will be answered in the talks given. I have prayed on my way to school. I have prayed on my way to work. I have prayed on my way home during rush hour (even asking for patience to deal with some idiots...). I have prayed while I was exercising at the gym. Needless to say, my heart has been continuously crying out to my Lord and God and yet, I still have heard nothing.

This utter and complete silence has me wondering if this is a punishment of sorts for even questioning the validity of the Church. Am I too stubborn to hear the Holy Ghost and it's whispers? Am I too hard heartened to even consider listening to God when he does answer me? How do I know that He really is answering my prayers?

I get the occasional shiver when listening to music, or watching an inspirational movie, but is this the Spirit confirming something to me? I don't even know anymore.

I am lost and drowning in a sea of doubt, fear and suspicion.

I feel rather like Peter at this point. I have lost sight of the surface of the sea and I am slowly sinking further and further down. Is there a hand that is outstretched to me that I cannot or will not see?

As David said in reference to the Messiah's life in Psalms 22:

1 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?

 2 O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.

Oh how these words resound within my soul. Oh how much I ache for an answer to my prayers. 

 

An Introduction

I have used this profile in the past to create blogs so this isn't new for me. What is new for me is the fact that I was severely tempted to use another, anonymous account to prevent those who have followed my other blogs from seeing this one. The reasoning behind this fear is pretty self explanatory; just look to the title of this blog. My name is Amy. I live in Utah, and I am a full time college student, and a part time CPA's assistant. I am in my early twenties, and I am a Mormon...

Or at least I was certain of that until several controversial things starting coming into play. Needless to say that, that last statement, "I am a Mormon", is now being thoroughly questioned, and this blog will act as a sounding board for some of the things that I am feeling and thinking about.

I don't care about the views that I may possibly receive; I am not planning on promoting this in any way. I don't care if you comment and worry for my poor soul, mentioning how close to teetering off into the depths of apostasy. Believe me, I already worry enough about that. If you have arguments for the things that I find, I will endeavor to look at these arguments from both sides of the equation. I don't care, you see, if this glorified journal will be a subject for controversy.

In the end, I have decided that I would use my original account because of one thing: I am not ashamed for my questioning. I am not afraid to tell friends and family that I am not 100% convinced that the Church is true. I don't think that anyone should be ashamed to question, but more on that later. Let's not forget the fact that I am an educated (somewhat) millennial who wishes to examine the gospel more thoroughly and critically than I have ever done in my life.  I'm sick of just accepting things because someone says that it is true. I need to know for myself. I will not accept that the sky is green if the President claims that it is. Just, no.

Let me be absolutely and unequivocally clear here: I am not looking for any simple reason to leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am not going to leave because of a small matter of difference of opinion. I am not set on leaving the church already. That is harmful to my own personal discovery. However, I will not stay in a religion where I feel trapped, and uncomfortable with things that they are teaching it's members. I will leave the Church and risk the wrath of God if I truly and genuinely feel, with a clear mind, heart and conscious that these things which are taught are incorrect and do not correlate with the teachings of a God that I hope is there. My goals are to look into the subjects of my questioning with an objective eye that is not altered by my own bias. I am approaching this situation with a heart filled with prayer and a mind and heart that is open to any inspiration that I would receive from on high.

I understand that this journey will not be completed in 30 days. I understand that it will take a long time to define what I am to believe in and how I will worship and follow the God that I will get to know better, hopefully, throughout this journey. I am also hoping that I can inspire someone else to look at and think critically of the Church. After all, Joseph Smith was a good example of asking God and thinking critically, wasn't he?


One last message before I go and study for my managerial accounting class...

"I have a simple and solemn faith that right will triumph and that truth will prevail. I am not so naive as to believe there will not be setbacks, but I believe that 'truth crushed to earth will rise again.'" - President Gordon B Hinckley [emphasis is mine]

With a quote like that, I have more certainty that if the subjects of my questioning were really,  absolutely true, I need not fear. As long as my heart and mind are tuned into the whispering of the Holy Ghost, He will not lead me astray. Such is my solemn and most profound hope in this journey.

I feel like I should say "Amen" here...this is awkward...